Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
