I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
