i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
