Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How does one acquire holy water?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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