is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
