I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
