Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
