I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
this is an emotional support booty call
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
