toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
