I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
