I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
