That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
