ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Someone shattered a urinal.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
