no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
