i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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