I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I can't put those talents on a resume
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
