Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
