Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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