God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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