Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
