omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
