Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
