recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
