He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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