soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
