I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
