Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
BRING THE BAGELS
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
