I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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