Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
