Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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