It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
