i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
