Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
