I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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