My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
