I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
