Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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