So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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