Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
