My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
