i need an iv and a liver transplant
from now on my penis is your penis
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
