i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
