I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
