I just made out with a guy for $7.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Randomize
