theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
