I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
