please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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