I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
