I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
