Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
