So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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