i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
