Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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